Today I went to church without my kids. I didn’t have the energy to wake them up and make them go, so I decided I would be fine going alone.
I left my old church because I had spent so many years there as a couple and I feel that I need a fresh start. I am now visiting a different church. I had my Sunday school class picked out, and knew that I had already met the teacher and a couple of the regulars there.
So, I went to SS, and it was good. They made me feel welcome without overdoing it. They were a nice group.
Then I went to the worship service. I purposefully did not try to join people from the SS class since I have pretty strong preferences about where I sit. I don’t mind sitting in a worship service alone. That is my time to focus on God, and I’m with Him. After so many years with little children in worship, I enjoy not having to focus on other people.
But then, worship was over and people were walking out. I overheard a sweet conversation between a father and his adult daughter discussing what they had done for the weekend. And, I realized that I was lonely.
I went out the door and it was raining. No umbrella or raincoat. I had parked pretty far from the door.
I slipped out the door and rushed to my car. Alone. I started the car and drove away. All alone.
And then the tears started to fall.
I was shocked. I’m not the kind of person who gets lonely. How did this happen? I have a houseful of kids and never get enough “me time.” What is going on?
Then it hit me – I miss being married. I don’t miss the person I was married to at all. In fact, I miss HIM the way I miss a migraine when it’s over. But, I miss being a married person. I miss having a built-in date for every occasion. I miss being part of a couple.
I am lonely.
I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
~Psalm 40:1-2 (NIV)