Friday, October 29, 2010

Autopsy of a Marriage – Part 6

I’ve been using the book He’s Just Not That Into You as an outline as I emotionally work through what happened to my marriage.  Chapters 7-10 deal with men who are not willing to get married, who breakup or disappear, and who are married to other women.  Since those chapters don’t really pertain my circumstances, I’m going to skip over them.  If you’re single, I strongly urge you to read them, though.  There’s a LOT of good information there. 

Chapter 11 is titled, “He’s Just Not That Into You If He’s a Selfish Jerk, a Bully, or a Really Big Freak.” 

While there are lots and lots of examples, this chapter boils down to one big question:  “Is he making you happy?” 

Happy?  Me. . . .happy? 

No.  Not at all.

Did he ever make me happy? 

Yes.  Yes, he did.  When we were dating.  And that’s why this question concerns me so much.  When my ex and I were dating, he tried to make me happy.  He did the things that a good date/boyfriend/fiancé were supposed to do.  He took me out on dates.  He showed concern about me and my life.  He asked me about my day.  He did nice things for me.  We talked and talked and talked.  We talked about everything and nothing.

All that stopped when we came home from the honeymoon.  It was as though he had a checklist of what he was supposed to do in life, and once he checked off the “Get married” box he was finished working on the relationship.  He had more important things to do than be nice to his wife.

If you’ll look at the links over in the left column of my blog, you’ll see one labeled “Men Who Hate Women.”   Click on it and read the characteristics of a misogynist.  I’ll wait here.

waiting. . . .waiting. . . .la ti ta daaaaa. . . .

You’re back.

That was my life. 

He chose me, and he wanted to own me. 

Men like that can make a really good first impression.  Misogynists are completely different in private than in public.  The change doesn’t come until after they “own” you.

After we were married, my husband turned into a big selfish jerk.  One of the examples of a "big selfish jerk" in the book was of a man who talked about himself and only himself.  The author refers to this as "conversational masturbation." That phrase sums up most conversations that I had with my ex throughout our marriage.

If a man I had known for years can hide his true nature so completely, how does a woman avoid it?  I don't know.  That's what scares me about the idea of dating in the future.

My husband's misogyny is why I don’t feel bitter toward the other woman at all.  I think that she is foolish for having an affair with a married man, (see Chapter 10 of He's Just Not That Into You) but mostly I feel sorry for her.  She thinks she is being pursued by a charming, wealthy man.  I’m sure that he is putting up a good show of being a wonderful, caring person.  If they get married she will learn, to her great sorrow, that he’s not what he seems. 


  1. Were there any signs of this before the marriage? It makes me sad there's not a way to spot and avoid this kind of person.

  2. There were a couple of hints during the engagement that he would be somewhat controlling. But I had absolutely no idea that he would turn into the man he is now. I had known him as a friend for five years before we started dating, and I thought I knew him well.

    After several years of marriage, I realized that in his family of origin the highest value was to "look good" to the outside world. That mindset explains a lot about him and his siblings.