Surprised by Loneliness

Today I went to church without my kids.  I didn’t have the energy to wake them up and make them go, so I decided I would be fine going alone. 

I left my old church because I had spent so many years there as a couple and I feel that I need a fresh start.  I am now visiting a different church.  I had my Sunday school class picked out, and knew that I had already met the teacher and a couple of the regulars there. 

So, I went to SS, and it was good.  They made me feel welcome without overdoing it.  They were a nice group.

Then I went to the worship service.  I purposefully did not try to join people from the SS class since I have pretty strong preferences about where I sit.  I don’t mind sitting in a worship service alone.  That is my time to focus on God, and I’m with Him.   After so many years with little children in worship, I enjoy not having to focus on other people. 

But then, worship was over and people were walking out.  I overheard a sweet conversation between a father and his adult daughter discussing what they had done for the weekend.  And, I realized that I was lonely. 

I went out the door and it was raining.  No umbrella or raincoat.  I had parked pretty far from the door.

I slipped out the door and rushed to my car.  Alone.  I started the car and drove away.  All alone.  

Alone.

And then the tears started to fall.

I was shocked.  I’m not the kind of person who gets lonely.  How did this happen?  I have a houseful of kids and never get enough “me time.”  What is going on?

Then it hit me – I miss being married.  I don’t miss the person I was married to at all.  In fact, I miss HIM the way I miss a migraine when it’s over.  But, I miss being a married person.  I miss having a built-in date for every occasion.  I miss being part of a couple. 

I am lonely.  

                                   I waited patiently for the LORD; 

                                        he turned to me and heard my cry.

                                   He lifted me out of the slimy pit, 

                                        out of the mud and mire; 

                                        he set my feet on a rock 

                                        and gave me a firm place to stand.

                                             ~Psalm 40:1-2 (NIV)