My anniversary

Today is a special day for me.

Today's date marks the second anniversary since my ex-husband and I separated. His verbal and emotional abuse had been ramping up for years, but it was completely over the top on our last vacation together. We took what should have been a wonderful, once-in-a-lifetime trip with all our children--a cruise to Alaska on one of the better cruise lines with really nice cabins. We were supposed to be celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary.

Instead of a happy, romantic adventure there was anger and unhappiness. No matter what I did, my husband was mad at me. No matter what the kids did, he was upset. The kids started avoiding him. While I didn't actively avoid him, I did not go out of my way to seek him out. Which made him ever more angry at me.

Then to cap off the ugliness of this vacation, when we got on the plane to return home, they were oversold. At the last minute, one more person boarded and the only seat left was in first class. The flight attendants pulled out their lists of frequent flyers and offered the first class seat to my husband. Without a word to me, he jumped up and moved to first class leaving me to sit next to the man who had boarded late. Happy anniversary.

As soon as we got back home, my husband left early the next day to go on an out-of-town work trip. Over the course of the next couple of days, I thought long and hard about my life and my marriage. I remembered the three times my husband had hit our children in anger, and I thought about how miserable our "joyous" vacation had been. I made the decision to ask him to move out for awhile so that I could have some space and time to fully assess the situation.

When my husband came back from his work trip, I handed him his (still packed from vacation) suitcase and asked him to go away. He got angry and cursed at me and told the children that I was a terrible wife and mother. But he left. I'm so very thankful he left without violence.

Three months after he moved out, I filed for divorce.

Is your husband/wife/significant other verbally or emotionally abusive to you or your children? Check out the links in the top left column. Share them with a friend who you suspect of being a victim of abuse. I'm so very glad that I'm not living that life any more. No one should live like that.

Another example of the messed up family court system

Here's my problem with family court. There's no rhyme or reason to it. There's no way of figuring out what kind of crazy thing is going to happen next.

Here's an article about a woman who doesn't want her children to have visitation with their step-mother. Her reason is valid--the step-mother murdered her own children. But according to Commissioner Leonid Ponomarchuk it's no big deal. The bio-Dad of these kids has hidden from Mom the fact that they've been hanging out with a child murderer. And she hasn't killed them so far.  So, it's perfectly fine.


Check it out.

Yesterday. . . .

Yesterday would have been my 27th anniversary were I still married.

But I'm not married anymore.  It felt. . . .odd.

On the one hand, I'm so glad to be free from my abuser.  He made my life so unhappy in so many ways.  I'm very, very happy that I'm no longer married to that man.

But on the other hand, I have been blessed with five children who are the fruit of that marriage.  Had I never married that man, I would not have these particular children.  They bring such joy to my life.  They are the good thing that came out of that horrible experience.

The sorrow and pain of the past weigh me down.

The blessing of motherhood lifts me up.

I feel odd.

Here's my problem with family court

This is a summary of what's going on with my friend Mr. M and his blog that has been order off the internet.

Firm Contact: Kevin J. Handy
khandy@cooleyhandy.com/215-345-8000

Divorced Father Challenges Judge’s Order Forcing him to Take Down Anonymous Website and Blog About his Ex-Wife and Divorce on First Amendment Grounds.

Divorced Father Claims that Bucks County, Pennsylvania Judge’s Order Requiring him to Take Down a Website called “thepsychoexwife.com” and Prohibiting him from Ever Mentioning his Ex-Wife or Children on any Public Media in the Future is an Unconstitutional and Unenforceable Restraint on Free Speech.

Doylestown, PA (July 11, 2011) – A divorced father is challenging an order entered by a judge in Bucks County, Pennsylvania requiring him to take down a website on which he writes about his ex-wife, his divorce and his custody case. Although the website has the unflattering name domain name “thepychoexwife.com,” all of father’s posts to the website about his ex-wife and his cases are anonymous. According to the father, his ex-wife discovered the website accidentally while researching child support issues involving orthodontic treatment on the Internet and the website appeared high in the search rankings. The ex-wife apparently recognized the content of some of her e-mails, which were posted in a redacted format on the website. Shortly thereafter, the ex-wife asked the court to order the website shut down.

Despite the website’s name, the content of the website is not limited to the divorced father’s posts about his ex-wife and divorce. The website, which is actually owned and controlled by father’s girlfriend, also includes a significant amount of other materials, including discussion forums and resources aimed at helping individuals cope with the difficult issues that arise in divorce and custody cases. According to the divorced father, the website receives over two hundred thousand visitors per month.

Although the website initially started out as a way for father to vent about his divorce and ex-wife, it quickly transformed into a community forum intended to help others going through similarly difficult and emotionally challenging divorces and custody cases. According to the father:

The site is intended to help people in similar situations. I always felt like no one really knew or quite understood the level of chaos that existed in my life, and the website was a way to express it without burdening others with such horror or having to explain and re-explain myself. I felt that it was a way for me to tell the truth of my experiences but to no one in particular.That is why I started posting to the site in January of 2008. Soon thereafter, I started getting an incredible amount of feedback from people going through similar situations that felt as isolated as I did. That is when the site took on a more meaningful purpose, letting others know that they are not alone in their difficulties. I pray that realization prevents them from feeling trapped like I did. At the time, I felt that I had nowhere to turn. Had I discovered a place like this a long time ago, I may have been compelled to make better choices earlier in my relationship and case. Maybe I would have been more honest with myself and with others about what I was going through and gotten help and guidance sooner for my children and myself.

Despite the website’s apparent popularity and inclusion of unrelated content, a judge and former district attorney in Bucks County, Pennsylvania summarily ordered it shut down on June 6, 2011 without a hearing or testimony. The specific language of the order, entered by the Hon. Diane E. Gibbons states that “Father shall take down that website and shall never on any public media make any reference to mother at all, nor any reference to the relationship between mother and children, nor shall he make any reference to his children other than ‘happy birthday’ or other significant events.”

Father and his girlfriend have appealed the judge’s order to the Superior Court of Pennsylvania claiming that the judge’s order violates the rights guaranteed them under the First and Fourteenth Amendments to the United States Constitution.

“The judge’s order is a classic example of an overly broad and unenforceable prior restraint on free speech” according to the father’s attorney, Kevin J. Handy, a partner at the Doylestown law firm of Cooley & Handy. “The order is constitutionally over broad because it clearly prohibits speech that is protected by the First Amendment.”

Although the precise reasoning behind the judge’s order is unclear, the judge presumably issued the order in an attempt to shield the parties’ children from father’s complaints about his ex-wife. There was no evidence presented at the hearing, however, that the children had even seen the website, let alone were harmed by it.

“Even assuming that the court could shield the children from exposure to father’s comments on the website in a constitutionally acceptable manner, which is big assumption, there are many less drastic ways for the court to accomplish that goal without shutting down an entire website. For example, the court could have simply ordered ex-wife to monitor her children’s Internet usage.” according to Mr. Handy. “In the context of the First Amendment, the Supreme Court requires the Government to ‘narrowly tailor” orders restricting speech. The court cannot use an axe where a scalpel will due.”

Father also claims that he never intended for his children to read his posts and that they were directed at other adults going through similar situations.

Mr. Handy points out that the order was issued just in advance the U.S. Supreme Court’s June 27, 2011 decision in Brown v. Entertainment Merchants Association, in which the Court, in striking down California’s ban on the sale of violent video games to minors, reaffirmed the principle that the Government may not restrict otherwise constitutionally protected speech for the ostensible purpose of protecting children.

“Time and time again,” Mr. Handy notes, “the Supreme Court has reiterated that courts and the Government may not reduce the adult population to only what is fit for children.”

Judges in custody cases often enter orders that purport to restrict what one or both parents may say to each other or around their children. Those provisions, however, are rarely challenged or enforced. In the past, complaints by spouses about their exes were generally limited to conversations with family and friends. The Internet and the ability to post negative comments about ex-spouses indefinitely on social media such as Facebook, Twitter or personal blogs, however, has increased awareness of the issue and the perceived problem.

In 2008, a judge in Vermont in a comparable case ordered a man to take down “any and all Internet postings” about his ex-wife. The judge, however, subsequently reversed himself after the man raised similar First Amendment issues. The case was Garrido v. Kranansky.

“Individuals involved in divorces or custody disputes have no less constitutional rights than other individuals,” claims Mr. Handy. “A judge may no more restrict a parent’s right to free speech that she subjectively finds objectionable than the government can for any other group or individual.”

Cooley & Handy represents individuals in personal injury, class action, divorce, custody, and other litigation in Bucks, Montgomery and Philadelphia Counties and throughout Pennsylvania.

© 7/12/11 Cooley & Handy

Family Court

Most of my friends have had little to do with family court. Congratulations. It's a strange place.

It's been nearly two years since I separated from my husband. I've learned more about family law and family court that I ever wanted to know. For instance, I've learned that an abusive ex-spouse can continue their abuse through the court system.

I've also learned that justice isn't necessarily just.

Let me tell you about my friends, Mister-M and DW. Mister-M is the author of a blog called The Psycho Ex-Wife. Here's his description of the blog.

"The Psycho Ex Wife is the story about a marriage, divorce, and subsequent custody fight between a loving man, his terroristic ex-wife who is strongly suspected of suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder (at least from our armchair psychologist diagnosis), and the husband's new partner. It is based on true events. . . .

We hope that by sharing this story, we will effect change in the divorce cartel. We don't sugarcoat issues, although we do try to protect the innocent. You will read actual e-mails, transcripts, false child abuse charges, and custody evaluations, the result of over $80,000 in legal fees (not including the psycho ex wife's legal bills) and 4-years of litigation."

Mister-M's blog is not so different from my own. He began anonymously writing on the internet about what had happened to cause the end of his marriage, and then continued on writing about the events of his life. Just like me. He never used real names or photos of anyone involved. Just like me. I don't know what part of the country he lives in or even what time zone he's in. It's all very anonymous.

But now his blog has been shut down by a judge.

I guess the reason this upsets me is because I'm afraid that will BE me someday. Maybe Mister-M went too far. I don't know for sure. All I know for sure is that I learned a tremendous amount from his experiences in dealing with an extremely difficult ex-spouse. And I don't want to lose that resource. And I want it to be there for other people who have an extremely difficult ex-spouse.

Freedom of Speech in the blogosphere

This is the first in a series of posts I will be writing about a situation that is going on with a fellow blogger.  The situation is simply too long and complicated to put in a single post.  I hope you will stick around over the next few days.

The First Amendment to the Constitution of the United States of America says:

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

Freedom of speech. . . it's something that citizens of the good ol' USA hold dear.  Over the past 235 years many men and women have fought and died to preserve the rights of citizens to proclaim truth.  The freedom to speak or publish your own ideas and opinions is central to American culture.  It's a freedom that we don't always appreciate until we see it threatened.

One of our founding fathers, James Madison, had this to say, "I believe there are more instances of the abridgment of the freedom of the people by gradual and silent encroachments of those in power than by violent and sudden usurpations."

Today, I'm here to report to you a "gradual and silent encroachment" on this freedom by none other than...a court of law.

Yes.  A fellow blogger has been ordered by a judge to take down his anonymous blog and to make sure that it cannot be found online by search engines.

And if this blogger cannot do this impossible task, the judge may find him in contempt and throw him in jail.

Good news/Bad news

I just learned some very good news for this week. My ex-husband will be going out of town this weekend to participate in special event on Monday. This is one of his long-term goals, so he will be on his very best behavior to make sure it happens for him.

The bad news? When he gets back from his trip, he will experience the natural let-down that people have after achieving a major life goal. I'm thinking about leaving town for a few days next week.